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Leaving the forum

Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2020 5:28 pm
by Pepsi Maxil
Hello everyone,


A few members have told me privately that they have found some of my recent comments relating to suicide disturbing. I'm deeply sorry for my insensitivity on the subject. I didn't want to distress any members here. I believe my presence here may be making some members feel uneasy, as if my posts resembles those that are posted on forums fordeeply disturbed individuals rather than a lighthearted Doctor Who forum.

I caused some physical harm to myself on Thursday. I'm also quite scared because mentally I've started to write suicide notes and my thoughts about dying are so vivid now that they shock even myself. I need help with it because I feel like I'm on the verge of a complete breakdown. I'm not a risk to anyone but myself. I know I need to contact Samaritans this week.

One member (who I respect enormously for opening up to me about his own struggles with mental health) messaged me with genuine concern about the extent of my obsession in regards to Rebecca Schaeffer. When you obsess over someone's career, watch them in things multiple times, become so incredibly attached to their every trait to the point where everything else starts to become a blur or ceases to matter then it can be very difficult to not see that person as being a huge part of your life, regardless if you met them or not. I feel intense feelings of empathy because of her death, but also a sense of longing that I want to be with her. I do feel spiritually connected with her.

I think it's time I should part with the forum. I don't do this to get pity, but as a frequent poster for two or three years I feel that I should at least have the courtesy to say goodbye properly. I'm not weak or unable to fight, but my head is not a nice place to be and I wouldn't wish for anyone to have these feelings or thoughts. Just last week I made a post predicting where I wanted to be in five years. Now I'm absolutely terrified by the idea of being alive for that long. I'm just very scared in general.

Several members have my email address. They are free to pass it onto others should they ever ask for it. I still want to help out with TheBowieDoctor's fiction if he still wants me to. I'm sure I'll speak to the rest of you in the future at some point. I will update my blog a few times a month and make the occasional YouTube video, but I can't do the social forums anymore. I have enjoyed my time here though and I wish to thank members who tried to help me through my problems. I also enjoyed talking to everyone.

Regards,
Maxil

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2020 5:45 pm
by Burunman
Pepsi Maxil wrote:
Mon Jun 29, 2020 5:28 pm
Hello everyone,


A few members have told me privately that they have found some of my recent comments relating to suicide disturbing. I'm deeply sorry for my insensitivity on the subject. I didn't want to distress any members here. I believe my presence here may be making some members feel uneasy, as if my posts resembles those that are posted on forums fordeeply disturbed individuals rather than a lighthearted Doctor Who forum.

I caused some physical harm to myself on Thursday. I'm also quite scared because mentally I've started to write suicide notes and my thoughts about dying are so vivid now that they shock even myself. I need help with it because I feel like I'm on the verge of a complete breakdown. I'm not a risk to anyone but myself. I know I need to contact Samaritans this week.

One member (who I respect enormously for opening up to me about his own struggles with mental health) messaged me with genuine concern about the extent of my obsession in regards to Rebecca Schaeffer. When you obsess over someone's career, watch them in things multiple times, become so incredibly attached to their every trait to the point where everything else starts to become a blur or ceases to matter then it can be very difficult to not see that person as being a huge part of your life, regardless if you met them or not. I feel intense feelings of empathy because of her death, but also a sense of longing that I want to be with her. I do feel spiritually connected with her.

I think it's time I should part with the forum. I don't do this to get pity, but as a frequent poster for two or three years I feel that I should at least have the courtesy to say goodbye properly. I'm not weak or unable to fight, but my head is not a nice place to be and I wouldn't wish for anyone to have these feelings or thoughts. Just last week I made a post predicting where I wanted to be in five years. Now I'm absolutely terrified by the idea of being alive for that long. I'm just very scared in general.

Several members have my email address. They are free to pass it onto others should they ever ask for it. I still want to help out with TheBowieDoctor's fiction if he still wants me to. I'm sure I'll speak to the rest of you in the future at some point. I will update my blog a few times a month and make the occasional YouTube video, but I can't do the social forums anymore. I have enjoyed my time here though and I wish to thank members who tried to help me through my problems. I also enjoyed talking to everyone.

Regards,
Maxil
Well I hope you come back when you feel better, and I'll always be in touch via email, but it is definitely for the best if you feel this way.

You definitely need help and I don't mean that as an insult. It's no more shameful than getting treatment for a cold, but you need help if you are having problems with harming yourself. It's definitely better to talk to someone who knows what they are doing than a bunch of guys online, also as this place has attracted some trolls over the years like Barlow, you don't want to let them know the things you are most vulnerable about.

Also yes whilst we all have celebrity crushes which are healthy and fine, when it gets to the point where you feel like you want to join a dead person then that is NOT healthy and is clearly a sign of something else you feel unhappy about.

These issues can all be dealt with easily. They are not abnormal, plenty of people suffer but it is better to talk to therapists about this.

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 12:19 am
by Ludders
Pepsi Maxil wrote:
Mon Jun 29, 2020 5:28 pm
A few members have told me privately that they have found some of my recent comments relating to suicide disturbing. I'm deeply sorry for my insensitivity on the subject. I didn't want to distress any members here. I believe my presence here may be making some members feel uneasy, as if my posts resembles those that are posted on forums fordeeply disturbed individuals rather than a lighthearted Doctor Who forum.
Just on this point alone, it kind of annoys me that you feel that you can't post what you choose to post because of other people feeling uncomfortable. I like to think that The Hive is place where anyone can post what they choose to, and I personally feel that some of the best online communities that I've been involved with, have tended to be smaller very supportive networks that actually help people who feel isolated, to feel that they are not alone and have people who are compassionate, concerned and rooting for them.
Yes, you can do this individually by e-mail, but personally I find it more of a chore to have to individually e-mail people when I can keep groups of contacts in one place. That's what forums are for.
Having said all that, I will certainly e-mail you when I get time, and please have a go at that pdf book that I sent you.

It occurred to me that a passworded sub-forum for more personal issues might be useful. Somewhere that only members can see, not guests. Then any members who don't want to feel 'disturbed', need not enter that sub-forum unless they're prepared to deal with whatever content is posted. I've seen this work very effectively on a couple of other forums in the past, and it can be very helpful for people to feel that they are amongst friends.
Anyway, it's just a thought.

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 1:01 am
by Rawkus
How sad. Maxil joined the forum not long after I did. Your contributions will be missed. I hope you get the help you need soon and feel able to return when you can. Not sure what else to say right now.

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 10:17 am
by Rawkus
Can someone who speaks to Maxil please advise him to go to a GP as well as a therapist. I don't know if he already has, but he is reminding me a lot of a friend I had who was schizophrenic. I am not saying Maxil is, but his depression could be symptomatic of something else. I also know someone else who had problems with depression and anxiety before being diagnosed with Asperger's. While Maxil's parasocial relationship or fixation with Rebecca Schaefer may seem unsettling, it may be just an attempt to gain control over a difficult situation without the fear of rejection. Then again, it's possibly a symptom of something else. I am no expert on any of this, but I have had issues with anxiety and depression and know others who have been in similar situations. I agree with Ludder's reservation about Maxil's withdrawal from the forum. Does anybody live near Maxil so that they could check in on him? He seemed to be picking up recently, now this?

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 2:33 pm
by Eldred
A lot of what attracted me to this forum is that this is the sort of free-thinking place where you can just say what you feel. When I joined the Nu-Hive, I was in a pretty bad place mentally. I had just quit the job-from-hell, I had built up so much anxiety that I couldn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, and when I did I had these horrible nightmares that people were chasing me and trying to kill me. And I had gotten this pneumonia that took a long time to go away.

For most of my life I had always felt that some of my interests (academic and technical) were respectable, and others (like Doctor Who, Star Trek and all this nerdy stuff I like) were not. Coming on this forum and fully embracing the fact that I'm a big-ass nerd, I found somewhat therapeutic. Now I find things starting up for me again: I have a new job starting in a few weeks, my second child was born a few weeks ago, and I need to get my '83 Lincoln running before my job starts, so I haven't been around as much.

And I agree with what these guys said above about getting help, I've seen therapists for my anxiety for most of my life: It's about helping you deal with stuff, not admitting that there is anything fundamentally wrong with what you think or feel. I firmly hold a lot of views people might label me crazy for about the nature of consciousness, reality, etc, based on many experiences of a paranormal/psychic/esoteric whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-it nature I've had throughout my life that I believe are totally real - but this doesn't stop me from getting help for my anxiety.

And there's nothing wrong with feeling something for someone you've never met. When I first read Enheduanna's hymn to Inanna - the Ninmesharra - in the original Sumerian, I really felt something for her. Rebels had taken over her temple and it was a plea to her goddess to restore her to her position. When I considered that Sumerian wouldn't have even been her first language and that she wrote something I found so moving it it, she must have truly possessed quite an impressive intellect. I cried for her while reading her stuff, and she lived over 4300 years before I was born! Nothing wrong with liking a fictional character either - I've always had a bit of a thing for Ardala from Buck Rogers.

And Long Live the 80s! - I've recently started carrying around one of those pocket headphone cassette players again

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 4:33 pm
by Burunman
Rawkus wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 10:17 am
Can someone who speaks to Maxil please advise him to go to a GP as well as a therapist. I don't know if he already has, but he is reminding me a lot of a friend I had who was schizophrenic. I am not saying Maxil is, but his depression could be symptomatic of something else. I also know someone else who had problems with depression and anxiety before being diagnosed with Asperger's. While Maxil's parasocial relationship or fixation with Rebecca Schaefer may seem unsettling, it may be just an attempt to gain control over a difficult situation without the fear of rejection. Then again, it's possibly a symptom of something else. I am no expert on any of this, but I have had issues with anxiety and depression and know others who have been in similar situations. I agree with Ludder's reservation about Maxil's withdrawal from the forum. Does anybody live near Maxil so that they could check in on him? He seemed to be picking up recently, now this?
I know his email, I can send a message to him. He contacted me this morning and he does seem to be getting professional help.

I think he just has depression. His feelings for Rebecca are normally just a celeb crush. Lot's of people have them, particularly for long lost celebs. Joanna Lumley did a whole docu on her one about Elvis!

However I agree that it is not healthy now that he is depressed. I feel he is focusing on her passing too much. Again I am no expert so take everything with a dump truck of salt, but in my experience with depression I find people tend to focus on really miserable shit, either in your life, or yes even other people's lives etc.

I remember getting obsessed with World War 1 one time when I was depressed. I couldn't stop thinking about how horrible it must have been, how awful so many people's lives were wasted, it was awful.

I think depression makes you feel helpless so you go into the past as you know you can't change anything.

It's awful the way these thoughts go through your head. A GP can be good. I talked to one of them first before being referred to a therapist. They will listen to your troubles too.

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 4:41 pm
by Rawkus
Burunman wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 4:33 pm
Rawkus wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 10:17 am
Can someone who speaks to Maxil please advise him to go to a GP as well as a therapist. I don't know if he already has, but he is reminding me a lot of a friend I had who was schizophrenic. I am not saying Maxil is, but his depression could be symptomatic of something else. I also know someone else who had problems with depression and anxiety before being diagnosed with Asperger's. While Maxil's parasocial relationship or fixation with Rebecca Schaefer may seem unsettling, it may be just an attempt to gain control over a difficult situation without the fear of rejection. Then again, it's possibly a symptom of something else. I am no expert on any of this, but I have had issues with anxiety and depression and know others who have been in similar situations. I agree with Ludder's reservation about Maxil's withdrawal from the forum. Does anybody live near Maxil so that they could check in on him? He seemed to be picking up recently, now this?
I know his email, I can send a message to him. He contacted me this morning and he does seem to be getting professional help.

I think he just has depression. His feelings for Rebecca are normally just a celeb crush. Lot's of people have them, particularly for long lost celebs. Joanna Lumley did a whole docu on her one about Elvis!

However I agree that it is not healthy now that he is depressed. I feel he is focusing on her passing too much. Again I am no expert so take everything with a dump truck of salt, but in my experience with depression I find people tend to focus on really miserable shit, either in your life, or yes even other people's lives etc.

I remember getting obsessed with World War 1 one time when I was depressed. I couldn't stop thinking about how horrible it must have been, how awful so many people's lives were wasted, it was awful.

I think depression makes you feel helpless so you go into the past as you know you can't change anything.

It's awful the way these thoughts go through your head. A GP can be good. I talked to one of them first before being referred to a therapist. They will listen to your troubles too.
It's OK, he sent a PM with his email earlier. It just worried me that he seemed to be following the same path as my friend. The GP suggestion is just in case there was something else, it can't hurt to be certain.

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 4:42 pm
by Burunman
Eldred wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 2:33 pm
A lot of what attracted me to this forum is that this is the sort of free-thinking place where you can just say what you feel. When I joined the Nu-Hive, I was in a pretty bad place mentally. I had just quit the job-from-hell, I had built up so much anxiety that I couldn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, and when I did I had these horrible nightmares that people were chasing me and trying to kill me. And I had gotten this pneumonia that took a long time to go away.

For most of my life I had always felt that some of my interests (academic and technical) were respectable, and others (like Doctor Who, Star Trek and all this nerdy stuff I like) were not. Coming on this forum and fully embracing the fact that I'm a big-ass nerd, I found somewhat therapeutic. Now I find things starting up for me again: I have a new job starting in a few weeks, my second child was born a few weeks ago, and I need to get my '83 Lincoln running before my job starts, so I haven't been around as much.

And I agree with what these guys said above about getting help, I've seen therapists for my anxiety for most of my life: It's about helping you deal with stuff, not admitting that there is anything fundamentally wrong with what you think or feel. I firmly hold a lot of views people might label me crazy for about the nature of consciousness, reality, etc, based on many experiences of a paranormal/psychic/esoteric whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-it nature I've had throughout my life that I believe are totally real - but this doesn't stop me from getting help for my anxiety.

And there's nothing wrong with feeling something for someone you've never met. When I first read Enheduanna's hymn to Inanna - the Ninmesharra - in the original Sumerian, I really felt something for her. Rebels had taken over her temple and it was a plea to her goddess to restore her to her position. When I considered that Sumerian wouldn't have even been her first language and that she wrote something I found so moving it it, she must have truly possessed quite an impressive intellect. I cried for her while reading her stuff, and she lived over 4300 years before I was born! Nothing wrong with liking a fictional character either - I've always had a bit of a thing for Ardala from Buck Rogers.

And Long Live the 80s! - I've recently started carrying around one of those pocket headphone cassette players again
Sorry to hear that, glad you are in a better place now and congratulations on your new child!

Name child number 2 after me please :D

I was in a horrendous job in a call centre just a few years ago. My boss at that one was the biggest cunt I have ever met. He fired a woman whose father had died of cancer the day after his funeral for the most petty thing. He nearly drove her to suicide. He just used to love humiliating me and anyone else for the pettiest of reasons, and he'd tell the most disgusting, sexist and racist jokes, yet he'd actually pull others up for their supposedly insensitive behaviour.

Maxil knows how much I hated him LOL, when we talked in our last emails, and I will say that no matter how bad you may feel about yourself for stupid reasons, always remember that at least you aren't that cunt.

Re: Leaving the forum

Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 6:45 pm
by Zarius
We all deal with mental setbacks Maxil, and it takes a great deal of courage and hard work to mend ourselves, but that can be easier when you have the support of family and a strong network of friends...but yes, it's wise to 'unplug' now and again from the internet. When I started out on the Anorak Zone and The Hive, I was going through a breakdown and that influenced my behaviour when I didn't react well to criticism of Doctor Who...to this day, I still have a quasi-bi polar approach to fandom that has made me liked and hated in equal measure, but I try to avoid what people say about me in threads, comments sections, and Youtube videos, and my life is healthier for it.

I sincerely hope you get the help you need, the rest you've earned, and the encouragement you require to keep living life to the fullest and realising your potential talents. We have faith in you.